Climate Change Killed The Aliens, Not Will Smith or Sigourney Weaver

Jodi Foster, take off the sunhat and walk away from the array. They’re not out there anymore. It were climate change that done for them. Will Smith, put away that cigar. You didn’t earn  it. It were climate change that done for them. Sigourney, get out of that exoskeleton and quit yelling ‘Get away from her, you bitch!” Unnecessary. It were climate change that done for them.

All of you letting the folks at SETI use your computer–reclaim your flops! They’re not going to find anything. No Wookies, no cookies, no gripping hand. Richard Dreyfuss can eat those goddam mashed potatoes instead of using them for finger art.

Climate change might have killed most extraterrestrial life forms in the universe, with planets burned by greenhouse gases and frozen by a harsh environment.

Despite lack of concrete proof that extraterrestrial life exists, astronomers at the Australian National University (ANU) think climate change contributed to the extinction of life forms on other planets. The researchers believe the universe is filled with habitable planets that “so many scientists think it should be teeming with aliens,” said Dr Aditya Chopra, lead author of the new study published in the journal Astrobiology.”

“However, the study suggests that these inhabitants potentially did not survive the rapid evolution on their planets. Aliens might have struggled to maintain a habitable planet due to unstable early planetary environments.

“Most early planetary environments are unstable,” said Chopra. “To produce a habitable planet, life forms need to regulate greenhouse gases such as water and carbon dioxide to keep surface temperatures stable.”

I wonder if he’s related to Deepak Chopra, who famously said “All great changes are preceded by chaos.” I wonder at the poverty of imagination that underlies his assumptions. I wonder if he’s ever heard of the Drake Equation N = R_{\ast} \cdot f_p \cdot n_e \cdot f_{\ell} \cdot f_i \cdot f_c \cdot L

I wonder if he’s ever read a science fiction book in his life. Has he missed the description of methane breathers, sentient plants, aquatic life that might thrive under the conditions he thinks inimical to life? Should the spark of life touch other planets than ours, it will do so in strange places and do strange things, and some of those things which would throw us for a loop might be looked on as a boon by someone who breathes CO2  and exhales oxygen. As most of the biomass on this planet does.

Underlying this arrant tripe is obviously the warning that we will render ourselves extinct, thus falling in line with the other unfortunates of the Universe. That this comes from the land of Lewandowsky is clear from the description above: “Despite lack of concrete proof that extraterrestrial life exists, astronomers at the Australian National University (ANU) think climate change contributed to the extinction of life forms on other planets.”

We have seen global warming blamed for all manner of things. Now it is blamed for the extinction of creatures who may never have existed. That’s better than a South American frog.

I think Mr. Chopra would have better luck with astrology. Otherwise I might have to introduce him to my old friend:



14 responses to “Climate Change Killed The Aliens, Not Will Smith or Sigourney Weaver

  1. PS it’s Jodie Foster 😉


    • Considering I almost wrote Judi Dench, a little forbearance is in order, doncha think?

    • Jodie Foster ? I hope you’re kidding.

      Hanoi Jane is the title she gained for simply disagreeing with her government’s position on the futile bloody war of the time.

      • Um, not quite. She was a traitor, belittling American POWs and she later apologized for being photographed there.

        Fonda called returning POWs “hypocrites and liars,” adding, “These were not men who had been tortured. These were not men who had been starved. These were not men who had been brainwashed. … Pilots were saying it was the policy of the Vietnamese and that it was systematic. I believe that’s a lie.”

      • Fonda promoted the defeat of America, supported the enemy, went to their capital city to denounce America, and lied deliberately about the question of torture.

  2. Pingback: Shock, Horror: Climate Change Killed The Aliens | The Global Warming Policy Forum (GWPF)

  3. Gizmag covered this story this morning and did so in a rather sane and sensible manner. You can find the story Is ET dead – and are we next?

    The concept is rather simple: life needs a stable environment to remain successful and has developed feedback mechanisms to achieve that stability. When that fails, life fails.

    Chalk the breathlessly bizarre headlines up to dysfunctional climate communication.

    • One would think that the last couple of hundred million years on this Earth would provide evidence to the contrary. Continents reshaping, ice ages, meteor impacts and yet life trundles on.

      • Hundreds of millions of years, a blink of the eye. It reminds me of the man who fell from a skyscraper and was heard to mutter on his way down, “so far, so good, so far, so good.”

        It is not that I am a pessimist, it is more that I don’t trust luck.

  4. The concept may be bizarre, but I don’t think it should be dismissed out of hand. I’ve read it argued that shell creatures prevented Earth from turning into Venus. From Patrick Moore (who does not argue this):

    Let’s look at where all the carbon is in the world, and how it is moving around.
    Today, at just over 400 ppm, there are 850 billion tons of carbon as CO2 in the atmosphere. By comparison, when modern life-forms evolved over 500 million years ago there was nearly 15,000 billion tons of carbon in the atmosphere, 17 times today’s level. Plants and soils combined contain more than 2,000 billion tons of carbon, more that twice as much as the entire global atmosphere. The oceans contain 38,000 billion tons of carbon, as dissolved CO2, 45 times as much as in the atmosphere. Fossil fuels, which are made from plants that pulled CO2 from the atmosphere account for 5,000 – 10,000 billion tons of carbon, 6 – 12 times as much carbon as is in the atmosphere.
    But the truly stunning number is the amount of carbon that has been sequestered from the atmosphere and turned into carbonaceous rocks. 100,000,000 billion tons, that’s one quadrillion tons of carbon, have been turned into stone by marine species that learned to make armour-plating for themselves by combining calcium and carbon into calcium carbonate. Limestone, chalk, and marble are all of life origin and amount to 99.9% of all the carbon ever present in the global atmosphere. The white cliffs of Dover are made of the calcium carbonate skeletons of coccolithophores, tiny marine phytoplankton.

    This graphic is often used to show a disconnect between CO2 and temp:

    It’s usually not mentioned that the sun is thought to be increasing in brightness over these time scales.

  5. This whole issue is premature. If the Webb telescope manages to unfold itself properly we should have several thousand planets to test this theory with. .

    And I bet there’s going to be a religious crisis when it turns out G-d made large intelligent lizard like creatures in its own image.

  6. Reblogged this on Atlas Monitor.

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